His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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