just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
