I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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