This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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