I smell stomach acid.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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