Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
