she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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