First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
