She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
