Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
