I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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