he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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