Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
