my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
