her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
