Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
