Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
