You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
