my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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