my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
