Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
