I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Houston, we have a squirter
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
