god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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