hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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