its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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