She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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