when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
