I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
