Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
