I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
