His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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