i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
