Betty ford says i'm here all night
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
