he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
