how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
