ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
