I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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