apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
