The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
