You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires