Got a toothbrush?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.