Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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