He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
