I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
