just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
