My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
