I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
