she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
