Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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