her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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