Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
