I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
