Little spoons don't ask big questions
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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