please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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