Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
