True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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