Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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