I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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