Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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